My Baby Who Never Came Home.

Isn’t it exciting (most of the time) buying that precious little stick. Yes, that stick; the one that will determine whether or not you will be able to have that precious glass of wine for the next 40 (ish) weeks.

You get home, make sure you’ve got a full bladder – then you take that very important little test.

You’re pregnant. Yay!

Okay, so now everything changes. You start looking up all kinds of information. What brand of prenatal vitamins do you buy? May as well start making a list of names too…

You tell your partner, then some family & close friends.

Finally, you hit the second trimester – everything is going to be okay. You announce your news to the world & you count your weeks, taking pictures and noting the size of your baby. This week baby is the size of a raspberry, then a fig, now an apple….and so on.

My baby was about the size of a banana. That is the biggest she ever was and will ever be. I gave birth to her in the presence of my husband, sister & mom. She was just shy of 20 weeks and I called her Matty.

What happened? Incompetent Cervix they say. I did everything I was supposed to. I became pregnant two months after my wedding day. This was everything I EVER wanted, seriously. I hid the news from my students and colleagues at work… but as soon as it was “okay” to share the news, I did! Everyday I took my prenatal vitamins, I rested, I didn’t lift heavy things, stayed away from foods and drinks I wasn’t supposed to eat, etc.

I remember the day before Christmas Holidays I had an appointment. I was 17. 5 weeks pregnant. During the ultrasound my baby was “so active & healthy” and “the heartbeat was strong”. My DR. (who I LOVE dearly) literally said to me “I have no concerns everything looks perfect. WAHOO!!

On December 28th I was laying on the couch reading a book and started having some pains. They really hurt. I was nervous …. so we went to the hospital. Not the hospital I would have delivered at, but a smaller community hospital which didn’t have an OBGYN at that time of night.. They did an ultrasound and all was good.. phew. It was deemed that I was having pains because of a bladder infection – so I took the antibiotics and I started to feel better.

Then on New Year’s Eve the “pains” started happening again; this is when I got a really bad feeling. We were at my brother in law’s house playing cards (I was the DD). I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so I pushed through the pain and didn’t mention it to anyone. Then we went home. I spent that night laying first in bed, then in the bath in the worst pain I have ever felt. I didn’t sleep a wink & I didn’t wake Rob. In the morning I told him we had to go in. So we drove to my birthing hospital. Because I wasn’t yet 20 weeks pregnant I couldn’t go directly to Labour & Delivery so we sat for HOURS in Emergency. Of course my mom was called & came immediately.

After nothing short of 8 hours of shuffling around and waiting, I was taken in for an ultrasound. Baby was great. Then they did an internal ultrasound. The tech left and came back with a wheelchair (which I didn’t need before). I was scared. Soon after my OBGYN came to see me (the same DR. I had visited throughout my entire pregnancy so far). He explained to me that I was in labour. I was almost completely dilated and I was being admitted.

We got set up upstairs. There were tears everywhere. I was given some medicine to try & stop the labour. I was feeling much better and happy to report that the contractions had stopped. We slept – I woke up and was still feeling great. I had a few family members come and visit me. Then I took an afternoon nap. The contractions started again. I knew this was it; the baby was coming. We called in the nurse and my mom and Rob came in the room. There were about 3 Doctors in there explaining what an incompetent cervix is,  how it was not my fault and it could not have been prevented. Then I was told what to expect after delivery.

Then my sister came up.

I laid on the bed (NOT in labour and delivery) … just in a private room on the surgery floor in full on labour for the first time in my life and I KNEW that my baby would not live. With Rob, mom and Mandy there I finally delivered my baby girl on January 2nd 2015.

She was so tiny …. she fit in the palm of my hand. I was overtaken by the strongest emotions of love and hurt at the same time; we all were. We named her Matty and she was baptized in the hospital bed in my arms shortly after. My girl was healthy and happy inside of me but my body failed me and brought that sweet baby too soon.

She was not sick, her heart did not stop beating inside of me. She was alive when she was born, and died seconds after. Just shy of 20 weeks. My little banana.

She may not be here in my arms but she is in my heart forever.
My Matty. xo.

One thought on “My Baby Who Never Came Home.

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